my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
