She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
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i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
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My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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