he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
