I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
