I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
