am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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