my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My life is pants optional.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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