I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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