Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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