Swine flu. Run for my life!
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dignity is for republicans.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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