i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
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Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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