just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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