I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
