I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
