He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
