I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
