so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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