I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Randomize
