Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
