Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
