I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
