I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
