how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
it's like iHOP with fire
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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