i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
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That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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