sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i believe in u and ur pee
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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