I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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