on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
