Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
