I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
