so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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