im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
