apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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