I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
