I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Dicks are not precious.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
