things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
