dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
