Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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