textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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