I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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