her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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