okay pat passed out under dana's car
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
