I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
