Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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