Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
