smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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