someone get that fucking seahorse.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
