Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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