the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I want a musical about memes.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
