I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
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He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
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He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
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