i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
