i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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