im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
