It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
