Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
