just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
