the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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