she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
