I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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